Why I Can’t Go On

Do you ever feel so alone that it literally consumes you? I do.

Throughout life you are faced with many obstacles- deaths, exams, heartbreaks, health scares, money issues. All of these are manageable through grieving, counselling, support, professionals and loved ones, but what if none of those are options? What if the only people that can help are not part of your life anymore? What do you do when you feel so lonely that the only comfort is your pain? Eventually the pain becomes, almost soothing. That’s when you know something is seriously wrong.

We all have, or have had that one person. That one person who makes things bearable, who gives you an incentive to keep going, and is the reason we are alive. How do we cope when that person is gone? We don’t. When that person is gone, we lay down and take the shit life throws at us, until we spiral into a pit of loneliness and sorrow. Only the strong ones can come back from that, but not me.

Truth is, I lost my person. In my life I have taken heartbreak after heartbreak, death after death, but nothing compared to that significant person walking out of my life, by choice. People lie. They tell you what you want to hear, but that only hurts more further down the line. My heart was broken. I was promised guidance and moral support, but the truth is he didn’t care enough. My heart was broken, my self worth destroyed. Not only did he break my heart, he ruined my self image, my self worth, my confidence. And the truth is, I still love him and I would still protect him from anything. What do you do when the only person you need to get you back on track is ruining you further?

He broke my heart, so I lay down and let life hit me with shit. One by one, the people I care about the most just left, got on with their lives. Although it seemed temporary, I couldn’t help feeling that I was no longer needed. And so it began, the downwards spiral of self loathing and feeling unwanted by everyone. This was what ultimately led me here. I’m lost, I’m alone and I’m heartbroken.

What do you do when you just can’t go on anymore?

 

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Lost.

They say that your teenage years are the most confusing years of your life. They were right.

In practically every teenage novel or film there’s a character who doesn’t fit in- is too ugly or too nerdy or too quiet. By the end that seems to have reversed. The guy gets the girl and the nerd becomes popular. I hate to be the one to ruin the illusion, but that’s just not reality.

It is when an individual is in their teenage years that they discover themselves. That they break away from the crowd and find their own path in life . But what if we fall of the path and get lost in the jungle of life?

When I was a child I knew exactly what I wanted. I wanted to be an actress and a ballerina. The more I grew up the more those dreams became shattered. Deep down they are dreams I still wish I could achieve, but that doesn’t quite seem possible anymore.

There is an enormous pressure on young adults –  deciding what they want to do for the rest of  their lives. It seems to me that the more people pressure me ,the more confused I get. I’ve kind of forgotten what I want to do and almost piggy-backed other people’s dreams and desires. I suppose that’s my way of not having to face my own realities.

Most of all I’ve lost myself. Everything seems so manic and chaotic around me and I feel like I am twirling in a never ending conflict- being pulled in different directions. I feel alone. Scared. Scared of what the future holds.

When I was young I knew who I was. I was independent, a team player , an all rounder   Who wanted to please everyone. Now I don’t even know what I enjoy, what I want to do with my life or even who my friends are.

I seem to have cut myself off. In all this chaos I’ve isolated myself. I suppose in a positive way it’s stopping anymore chaos being added to the party. I’ve just kind of blended in , not wanting to be noticed. That’s not like the old me at all.

They say that your teenage years are the most confusing years of your life. They were right.

I’m just ….Lost.

If A Girl Blogs …X

 

Stress Stress Stress…

To my lovely readers,

It seems that we all experience stress in our lives and I am no exception.

This week has been full of stress for me. At the moment I am not living at home, school is pilling on the work load and pressure and problems with friends has left me feeling down. I guess things have just been pilled on me recently and I am struggling to cope. I feel so lonely and distant from everyone because I don`t feel my self at the moment.

The only way I can seem to relieve my stress and actually relax is whilst writing this blog. I feel that by talking to you guys about my situation I can finally breathe.

As you may be able to tell I do not deal with stress very well.

Furthermore, there is another thing that I have been meaning to talk to someone about..

Recently I have had this weird ‘episodes’ that have made me feel really distant from everyone and really self conscious around others. I think this is what is making me feel really lonely as I`m finding it hard to talk to people- which is strangely unlike me ! I can sometimes ‘feel’ my emotions physically putting pressure on me, which makes it hard for me to breathe.

I guess I am turning to you guys for guidance.

I really hope you can help or maybe you have been through the same thing?

Either way leave a message as I could really do with your help.

If A Girl Blogs…X

Can You Outgrow A Friend …. ?

After writing and rewriting today`s blog post I still can`t seem to put my thoughts in words!

I want to discuss and ask your opinions on a situation I`m sure a lot of you have been in before. I have a best friend ( I know shocking right !) who just seems to get me. We have never had an argument and we just seem to understand each other – in that sense we are so similar! In the past I have had best friends who are very different to me and it never seemed to quite work – if you know what I mean?

Since the start of this school year things have been different. For a start she started spending half her time with a different group of people ( who I am also very friendly with, but choose not to hang around with) and less time with her actual friends. At first this upset me, but I got used to it and things were still fine. Then she started changing. She is turning into someone I don`t recognize. She seems to be more interested in popularity, fashion and boys and this is very out of character. I understand that people grow up and change, but this has been so sudden and she sometimes shuts me out. In fact she often goes off with others rather than spending time with her friends. 

The point I am trying to make is that I don`t recognize my friend anymore.She has become more selfish, popularity driven and just different in general. She is still lovely and no matter what she does she will always be my best friend. Which leads me to think is all this really worth it? Is it worth me getting upset over? And is she better off being with other people?

The problem is I can not talk to her about this. She is the kind of person who would just get pissed off and then hang around with the others more. I just feel alone and I don`t know what to do. Yes I have other friends as well, but it`s not the same. I miss my best friend!

It felt so good to finally get this off my chest. I would really appreciate your advice or for you to leave a comment about your experiences with friendships.

If A Girl Blogs …. X

Bestest Chocolate Chip Cookies EVER !

So today I want to share with you my recipe for the best chocolate chip cookies known to man! Baking is a great hobby of mine so I would love to share my recipes, hints and tips with you guys.
200g butter
300g caster sugar
1 large egg
275g self-raising flour
75g cocoa powder
a little dash of milk
Any chocolate you wish
1. Cream the butter and sugar together and add in the egg.
2. Stir in the remainder of the dry ingredients
3. Add a bit of milk to bring the mixture into a cookie-like mixture
4. ADD THE CHOCOLATE !
5. Divide the mixture evenly into around 10 small balls (the mixture spreads loads in the oven so don`t put them too close!) and place on grease-proof baking paper on baking tins
6. Bake for 12 minutes at 200 degrees Celsius
7. Allow the cookies to cool ( in this process they will harden and look more like cookies)
8. Eat and enjoy these AMAZING cookies!
Happy baking ! Let me know whether you enjoyed the cookies and whether you like me posting fun recipes for you !
If A Girl Blogs ……x

What a heart-breaking way to start this new journey….

To whoever is reading this blog,

Today has not been a good day in the slightest. What a way to start my new journey- eh ? As lovely as you guys maybe I don`t yet feel ready to talk about the hardest time of my life and what it is taking to get through it.

So for a while now I have known something. Something more evil and horrible than you can imagine. It`s not been something that I can talk about to others because it is such a sensitive matter and I had no idea what to do about it.

It is the lowest of the low to make fun of conditions, illness` or someone that has passed away. No exceptions.

But that is what has happened.

Reading through probably the most insensitive, foul and quite frankly cruel conversations, I am shocked. How can others be so vile about the welfare of another? What hurts the most is the things that were said were by people who knew the innocent, brave and inspirational individual.

The truth finally came out today. The diabolic and heart-breaking comments were finally exposed and now everyone knows how sick these individuals are. It`s bitter sweet. I`m thankful that people finally know what they have done, but it`s hard to see people I care about be in as much pain as I am.

Have you ever felt so sad and angry that you feel physically sick? I have. My heart is literally pounding so hard and I am so overrun with emotion it is almost hard to know how I`m really feeling. It`s like you`re drowning, but you can see everyone else around you breathing. Does that even make sense?

It is not cool to belittle others and in no circumstances should it be tolerated. I hope none of you lovely people ever have to experience such horrible circumstances.

I`m sorry that today’s blog was very negative, but I thought it was important that you know how I`m actually feeling and what my day has been like. As ever I would love to hear from you guys, so please leave a comment or like this post.

Come back again tomorrow and hopefully I will be posting a more upbeat blog for you guys 🙂

If A Girl Blogs……. x

In The Beginning…

I am just ordinary. That was the way I was born (although my birth was pretty cool) and the way I will always be. There is just something in me that does not just want something more, but needs something more.

For a while I have been quite down. All I have ever dreamed of since I was young was to mean something. I wanted to be someone special and inspire others. I know that is never going to happen and that`s okay, but I know I will always want it.

We all dream of being someone special, to mean something and maybe be famous. For me it`s  an unreachable dream.

Although I know I can not be the person I have always wanted to be, I hope I can inspire, help and be a friend to whoever you maybe. I want to make a difference and that starts with this blog. Please support me by following my blogs as I journey through a difficult time in my life.

“The Best Is Yet To Come”  ~ It`s not all doom and gloom